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ONLINE SAMPLES

BEDTIME STORIES FOR
BAD LITTLE CHILDREN

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Other Duties As Required

Tortoise and the Hare: Millenium Edition

An Ice Cream Truck Less Ordinary

All That and a Bag of Chips

The Boy Who Cried Liberal

The Ant and the Grasshopper

GOD HATES ME

The Emperor's Carrot

The Princess and the Pea-Coloured Mattress

Fred the Tree

If You Act Now...


THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Once upon a time there was an Ant and a Grasshopper.

And both lived in the Glen by the White Wooded house.

The Ant was industrious, rushing about to and fro, collecting grains of wheat and barley so that when the cold of winter came the Ant would eat.

The Grasshopper sat around watching Jerry Springfield on the Tele while eating pork rinds and playing songs written by pedophiles on his long legs.

When the Ant saw this he was shocked and appalled, but thinking the Grasshopper must be working when the Ant wasn't looking he continued to work hard for the coming winter.

“Maybe he's nocturnal.” The Ant mused as he picked up a rye seed for his stockpile. “Surely he can't expect to survive without doing anything.”

From time to time the Grasshopper noticed the Ant rushing about, and saw the Ant clicking texts to other Ants on its Brackenberry Portable Device.

The Grasshopper said aloud, “What a wretched creature! Working all the time for naught, stockpiling seeds and grain when all this bounty lays about.” But then he stopped and shrugged, “Maybe he doesn't need rest? Maybe he has all his fun at night when I'm asleep?”

As the fall approached the Ant hurried about the fields with greater urgency as the grains of wheat and barley began to thin out. Meanwhile the Grasshopper rubbed its legs together in sweet music as the new fall season of Television premiered, still blissfully oblivious to the growing chill in the air.

Then one day the frost killed all the plants and a hush descended on the glen.

The Ant stood in amazement at the empty field, marvelling at his work, safe and secure in the idea that he had more than was needed stockpiled in his tunnels below ground. “I'm going to eat well this winter,” he thought.

Half a glen away the Grasshopper also stood in amazement. The frost had coated his Tele antenna in such a way that he couldn't watch Harpo at 4pm anymore and the pork rinds had gone rancid. “How am I going to eat?” He thought.

Then he suddenly remembered the Ant, “I'll bet he has more than enough food stockpiled that both of us could eat handsomely.” And the Grasshopper began across the field for the Ant's hill.

But before he could get there a sea of worms erupted from the ground spilling in a million directions, each carrying one of the Ant's seeds.

Shortly after that the Ant climbed through the rubble that was once his home, and clutching his face in his multitude of arms he screamed, “What the hell?!!”

As he took in the scene of devastation the Ant came across the image of the Grasshopper, “Why didn't someone tell me the ground I was living on was infested with seed stealing parasites?”

On hearing the commotion and the wailing Ant the door to the White Wooded house opened and an Elephant came out to look upon the devastation. The Ant and Grasshopper approached the Elephant who shifted so neither could see the Donkey behind him in the White Wooded house.

“Goodness!” Said the Elephant. “What happened?”

The Ant stepped forward indignantly, “The worms you said would fertilize the ground and make it better for plants that produce grain and seeds have gutted the glen and stolen all that I have worked hard to save. How am I supposed to survive the winter?”

“Now, now.” Said the Elephant, “The fundamentals of the glen are sound. You just need to wait it out.”

“Wait it out???” Yelled the Ant as loud as an Ant could, “Are you insane? I have nothing to eat this winter. I am now as worthless as this stupid Grasshopper!”

“Hey!” Said the Grasshopper, angry at the sudden blindside from his fellow Glen resident. “What did I ever do to you?”

“Have you saved anything?” The Ant screamed, “Have you ever worked? Have you done anything to prepare for winter? No! You sat on your fat, Grasshopper hindlegs, or thorax or whatever you call your body, eating garbage while watching garbage!”

“And you nearly killed yourself with hard labour only to see it all stolen by worms!” Retorted the Grasshopper.

The Elephant stared at this tiny spectacle wondering how best to get these two to go away.

Suddenly his problem was solved when the flock of birds returned en masse and gobbled the Ant and Grasshopper whole.

Then they perched around the White Wooded house expectantly. One of the birds stepped forward and said, “Do you have a plan to feed us for the coming winter?”

The Elephant looked around nervously and after tugging at his collar a few times he saw the Donkey deep in the White Wood house. He looked at the birds and then said, “Actually, I'm just on my way out.”

Then as he stepped aside and pointed to the Donkey behind him the Elephant said quietly, “You want to speak to him.”



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