Other Duties As Required

Tortoise and the Hare: Millenium Edition

An Ice Cream Truck Less Ordinary

All That and a Bag of Chips

The Boy Who Cried Liberal


The Emperor's Carrot

The Princess and the Pea-Coloured Mattress

Fred the Tree

If You Act Now...


The monster was fifty feet high, at least I think the monster was fifty feet high, I grew up using the Metric System and have no idea how big a foot actually is. Regardless of how long a foot is though I'm sure that this monster was at least fifty of them tall.

She tore through the area like a tropical storm and not just any storm, one of those big ones that hits land like a drunk sailor on a weekend pass just after payday.

I know the monster was a "she" because the thousands of teats lining her chest were very visible, at least I think they were teats, they could have been very infected scales. Another reason I think it was a "she" was that despite all the heavily populated office buildings in the area the monster headed directly for the shopping mall.

She ate cars as she made her way to the Wal-Mart where, after carefully removing the roof and folding up before putting it gently aside, like it was wrapping paper on a Christmas gift, the monster continued her rampage. Not in a Cookie Monster sort of way either, no, not this monster. She started with the lingerie department, first pulling up stands with the high end and apparently juicy fashion bras that she nibbled off the racks like grapes before tossing them on top of stunned bargain hunters and cross-dressing middle aged accountants.

The monster followed those up with the Wonderbra displays, shaking loose the merchandise into her maw and then spitting out the packaging, like the seeds from a watermelon.

This is not to say that people were immune to the monster's appetite, no indeed, for the monster selectively started with the staff, particularly that guy in the electronics department I hate. I hated that guy because he often bothered me with his patronizing "can I help you, sir?" attitude. It should have been obvious when I pulled a reclining chair up to the cooler of beer I brought with me that all I wanted to do was watch the game on the big screen TV they had for sale. They sold that TV in the third quarter of a game I had three dollars bet on so no tears were shed when the monster swallowed him whole.

As she turned to the electronics section it was then that I noticed the large sack she was carrying and the odd way that she used it. Each time she picked someone up she would bring him or her very close to her maw and quietly ask a question, which I could not hear due to my increasing panic induced distance. Depending on the answer she would either toss them in the sack or eat them. I wondered about this, not enough to stop running, but enough to say "hmmm" to myself between the rasping intakes of air my lungs needed to keep my legs moving.

It didn't help, not that I can't run fast, which is beside the point, but compared to a fifty-foot monster which takes twenty-foot strides in each step what hope did I have? She caught me, picked me up by my boot, perhaps because of the leather strap at the ankle which apparently made me easier handling, and brought me closer to her mouth. As I caught a whiff of her leathery hide and wondered how many thousands of wallets she would made I remembered my question and figuring I had only seconds to live I yelled out "What have you destroyed today and what's in the bag?"

I won't belabor the point. Her response was to motion to the Wal-Mart which now lay in ruins and croak "All this…" and then holding up the sack of men she said "…and a bag of Chips". Then bringing me closer to the grisly teeth in her mouth she asked, "And what is your name little man?" to which I responded "Chip, Chip Carmichael" which explains why I survived to tell this tale.