Other Duties As Required

Tortoise and the Hare: Millenium Edition

An Ice Cream Truck Less Ordinary

All That and a Bag of Chips

The Boy Who Cried Liberal


The Emperor's Carrot

The Princess and the Pea-Coloured Mattress

Fred the Tree

If You Act Now...


Not so long ago… in a place not anywhere near as far away as you might think… there was a young man named Chucky.

More than anything Chucky wanted to be a Prince. He went to Prince University and even joined a fraternity so distinguished that one of its former members had been the first man to land on a new continent. Chucky didn't know who the guy was, but lets face it, everyone talked about the fact that a guy from his fraternity was the first man on this other continent so that must have been impressive and Chucky liked to have people associate him with something impressive.

Chucky studied hard and even earned a Bachelor of Arts in Economics thinking that's what a Prince needed. And armed with his diploma and a shiny ring from the University Chucky set out to find a job. A few days later he was in a local tavern with his friends, there were no openings for an Apprentice Prince and Dickie the Money Lender would be looking for repayment on his student loans soon. Chucky needed work.

It was then that Chucky's friend Chester told Chucky that the King he worked for needed Riders to run messages throughout the kingdom. Chucky went and applied at the castle and was quickly accepted although truth be told Chucky slept through part of the orientation and missed another part due to a bad hangover from the tavern which he blamed on his Graduation ceremony.

A month passed and Chucky's desire to be a Prince merely increased. "How to be a Prince?", he thought, and then the thought "What is a Prince?" came to him. "Well", he thought, "a Prince is a person who dresses nice" so Chucky's first step was to go out and buy fancy clothes, including tone-on-tone shirt and tie combinations just like King Regis wore.

Chester told Chucky that an Assistant to a Duke position was opening up in the main Castle of the Kingdom so Chucky applied there and had the interview and the Duke was very impressed so Chucky was offered the job. At the time Chucky thought it was a lot of money for what he'd be doing but that was before Chucky realised what money really was and why what he was offered wasn't really enough.

Chucky looked at the job description on the scroll the Duke gave him. It seemed like his job would be pretty simple. He would start his day by helping sort the Lupins and other payments from the live Chickens and other payments that the King's subjects sent in. Then he would keep track of those numbers and write out reports on scrolls, distributing those scrolls to the Duke and others in the Kingdom including the Prince and even the King. Another function he had was to allot some of the live chickens to other employees in the Castle as payment for the work they did. That seemed to be it, Chucky thought, the only other thing on his list were four little words, "Other duties as required" and they certainly couldn't be important.

At first things were fine, he sorted the Lupins from the Chickens with Fungus the Elder and usually had a blast, except when Fungus was being particularly mean in his comments about Chucky's jangley bits. It wasn't Chucky's fault that jangley bits were in fashion for young Prince's but Fungus made fun of him anyway reminding Chucky that he wasn't really a Prince. As time went on Chucky ended up doing more things, none of which were added to his list but became his responsibility. With each new task Fungus shook his head and muttered "other duties as required".

Chucky didn't care, he was getting paid and one day he would be a Prince and all this would be in the past where it belonged. So Chucky worked late and Chucky worked long and Chucky cancelled vacations counting that his extra work wouldn't go unnoticed and one day he would get his rewards.

Time passed and Chucky didn't get his rewards. Chucky wondered again , "How to be a Prince?" and then the thought "What is a Prince?" came to him again. "Well", he thought, "a Prince is a person who rides a nice buggy". So Chucky's second step was to borrow more money from Dickie the Money Lender so he could buy a really bitchin' buggy built by a popular Japanese chariot guy just like the one all the real Prince's rode.

And all his friends at the Tavern thought Chucky was doing pretty well with his tone-on-tone clothes and his Princely buggy and Chucky felt good. "At least", he thought, "I look like a prince".

The Duke was beheaded and a shake up occurred throughout the Castle and soon Chucky found himself at the whims of the most evil Black Prince in all the land, Prince Bobo. But Prince Bobo liked Chucky, partly because Chucky jumped whenever Prince Bobo unsheathed his sword but also because Chucky would do anything Prince Bobo demanded.

Prince Bobo tested this out many times too, once sending Chucky across half the kingdom to fetch a drum, another time sending Chucky to Knobby the Cakemaker to pick up party supplies at midnight. Once Prince Bobo even sent Chucky to another kingdom where Chucky was instructed to bring a Prince that was there to Bobo even if the Prince didn't want to come, which he didn't once he knew it was Prince Bobo that wanted to see him.

Soon Prince Bobo saw in Chucky a younger, more pliant version of himself and decided it was time to move Chucky into a position that better served the Kingdom. First he told a Lord of his to make it happen and the Lord told the Squires that Chucky worked for that Chucky's job was changing. Then Chucky found himself, without ever actually being asked if he wanted it, in a new position working under the dreaded Baron Von Damn.

Von Damn had many scrolls and in between his coffee breaks Von Damn wrote down all the things that happened all throughout the Kingdom. Eventually Chucky was given more money and after buying more jangly bits Chucky went throughout the kingdom proclaiming loudly that he was almost a Prince.

And his job was simple, he would collect information from all the parts of the Kingdom just like Von Damn had done; he would write that information down on scrolls just like Von Damn had done; and he would distribute those scrolls to all the Princes in the Kingdom just like Von Damn had done. Von Damn would move up to, becoming a Junior Lord, and his days would become busy while he looked at everything that Chucky and others wrote on their scrolls and thought about what it all meant as he enjoyed another cappuccino. Soon Von Damn would use this information to pillage villages throughout the Kingdom in hopes that Prince Bobo would approve and promote him to Tyrant.

Chucky worked hard at his new job, Junior Baron was the title they gave him but Chucky knew it was only a matter of time before he was a prince. And Prince Bobo smiled at Chucky and the wacky ways Chucky tried to manage all the bits of information that he was to collect and record and everyone rejoiced.

In time Chucky came to know so much about the Kingdom that even Prince Bobo was impressed. Often a menacing glare from Chucky at Junior Lords reporting to Prince Bobo would so scare the lying land owners that they would offer their jangly bits before Prince Bobo and beg forgiveness. Indeed Prince Bobo became quite fond of Chucky which is why when the elder King died and Bobo was crowned Monarch, Chucky was there, to his right, glaring at the Dukes as they offered their jangly bits to the new King.

And Chucky finally got his due as King Bobo crowned him Prince Chucky, offering him a few counties and a scroll with his new duties. Chucky rejoiced, Chucky's friends at the Tavern rejoiced and whenever Chucky wanted to show up the minions at the Tavern all he had to do was come upon them while they lusted after a pretty Maiden at the bar and whisper in the lovely lass' ear "I am a Prince". Then they were his until he was done rejoicing for the night.

Then... a dark time fell on the Kingdom and all were at war. Bobo called for a messenger so he could send terms of surrender to the other kingdom but the messengers grew lame at the thought of facing the other kingdom's fierce killer border guards. King Bobo sent his mercenaries off to collect the rival King but they returned without hands. Bobo called a footman to bring him his coach so he could travel to the other kingdom to give his terms personally but even the footmen ran off scared that they would be delivered the enemies' hands.

Finally, frustrated at his lack of progress and a little upset that his intimidating stature wasn't getting him what he wanted King Bobo called for Chucky.

" Yes my liege? " asked Chucky as he arrived at King Bobo's tent. " Go get the King of the other kingdom for me and bring him here now! " said Bobo. " But sire " said Chucky, " I thought that wasn't part of my job function anymore? " " Sure it is " replied Bobo, " it always was ". Chucky looked at his new job description and then grew pale for there, under the word " PRINCE " were only four other little words " Other duties as required ".