"TORONTO: It's Walkable"
RadioTMI - May 6, 2014

Toronto's new slogan, “It's Walkable” isn't in place because the city is pedestrian friendly. Since the city's policy of sending work crews to repair potholes and uprooted sidewalk only occurs after a sinkhole swallows at least one car, several children and then bursts a waterpipe, quite the opposite is true. For pedestrians Toronto is a deathtrap the likes of which are typically only seen in movies when the main characters needs salvation, or escape from a totalitarian regime, or on less rare occasions, to avoid Adam Sandler.

The slogan was adopted in response to the increasing reports that Toronto is not the least bit drivable. A condition further acerbated by the estimated two-year city plan (read five years in normal time) it will take to work on the crumbling Gardner Expressway. Note they're just repairing the Gardner, any thought of replacing it with something fluid, useful and capable of shouldering the increasing traffic demands is just wishful thinking.

In fact, the City of Toronto is so unfriendly to drivers that the runner up slogan, “TORONTO: Just pick a spot and stay there for God's sake!” was only rejected because of it used the Lord's name in vain, and not, as some claim, because it was even remotely inaccurate.

This is further proven out with the example of driver, Christine F, who's vehicle containing her perfectly preserved corpse was found at the foot of Spadina recently. Having attempted to use her GPS to find a navigable route for the 2.2km drive between her home in Liberty Village and workplace on Yonge Street, Ms. F, a long-term Toronto resident, wife and mother of two, passed away after running out of gas and then starving to death. Her inability to find sustenance was apparently the result of her GPS being unable to locate a Starbucks within safe walking distance of where her vehicle ceased functioning.

Further further proof that the City Planning department is nothing but a bunch of chimpanzees flinging poop around and passing them off as “Plans” was borne out when University of Toronto archeology professor Michael W, digging through drawers at a downtown archive for some crumbs to survive on because the GPS route to the McDonald's three blocks down the street took him through mid-town Mumbai, and came across a 70 year old city plan laying out the winding path of Dundas across town, marked “Gibbon Droppings on Canvas”.

This is of course, understandable. Since no one actually lives in Toronto there no one able to correct the situation. The argument that the population of Toronto is actually Zero is a fact supported by H2G2 Math, a curious logic where, because the city appears to have an infinite number of jobs that draw lemmings to it daily despite the lack of access, but only a finite number of residents; and since any number divided by infinity is so low as being equal to zero, the City of Toronto mathematically doesn't have any residents in it. This is further supported by who was last elected as Mayor.

Speaking of which, since Toronto's Fuck-Up-In-Chief, a category two orangutan named Rob Ford, who has flung his own share of pooh since coming on the city's stage with his mantra of “Less is More Even When It Obviously Isn't” took the city's budgetary nuts by the hand and began to squeeze, the City of Toronto has taken the further regressive policy of adopting any rule that frustrates people who don't vote in the city.

And since further since, as the only people travelling into Toronto to work are obviously coming from outside Toronto and therefore don't vote for Mayor there's no reason to make the “advance green left hand turns” work for them despite the three or four light waits, even when the advance green signals and mechanisms are already in place and function, a fact proven in the evenings when the macroscopically few Toronto residents who work outside the city and return each night for their home benefit from that advance green to left hand turn onto the streets they live on, thus making a two or three light wait for the people who work in Toronto and trying to leave, but can't easily because of all the counter-flow advance greens.

Many social scientists have proposed plans to correct the situation, most of which involve slipping the latitude and longitude coordinates to a hostile power, or even America, for the surface testing of nuclear weapons, but since this would also damage outlying areas not yet ruined by Torontofication the only solutions anyone seems to be embarrassing are excessive alcohol and weed substance abuse in order to endure the drive in, or telecommuting. Telecommuting is a workable idea since the Greater Toronto Area is currently the tele-commute capital of Canada. Mostly because there's no other way to get to work.